Women After Marriage
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander
Don’t worry my male readers, this article is not meant to antagonize the male species. I just started this post with Hollander’s quote because it made me smile and it’s relative to what I’m about to write.
The other day, a woman friend of mine, Ella (not her real name), called me and we had a long chat about her marital woes. Apparently, there was a fight again between her and her husband Ned (also not his real name). The husband was jealous and doubtful of her and almost beat her to death during that fight.
Sadly, that was not the first time Ned resorted to violence because of his unreasonable jealousy and lack of trust. It’s ironic how he always claim that he’s very much in love with Ella but he’s always hurting her, emotionally and physically.
A lot of women are suffering the same fate as Ella. The modern age and technology hardly changed the traditional and cultural context about women and her roles after marriage. Like in other parts of the world, the dogma about Filipino women have been defined according to a patriarchal system. In this age and time, gender and female sexuality are still defined by the dominant social group of men.
Ned, like many Filipino husbands, is expected to be the main breadwinner and is chiefly responsible for the financial sustenance of the family. In return, the woman is expected to manage the household, take care of the children and be submissive to the husband in almost all aspects of her life. The latter is the most abused “so-called role” of women in a marriage.
Ella, after her marriage, lost her identity. Ned laid down set of rules that she forced Ella to follow including policies on clothes she should wear, friends she should see, work she should take, etc. My friend miserably told me that Ned even control her own thinking.
Ang pagiging babae ay pamumuhay sa panahon ng digma. To be a woman is to live at a time of war. Joi Barrios.
In all fairness, Ned is a responsible husband and father. His sweetness to Ella was even a subject for envy to our other friends’ wives. He always emphasize that a couple, despite their financial obligations and other responsibilities, should provide time to enhance their relationship and fire the passion for each other by dating. He calls this couple time “sweetheart thing.”
Men need to realize that women did not lose her “self” by marrying her. Wives may have agreed to change her name to “his” by marrying but men should realize that this is actually a sacrifice (I happen to like my family name very much but for the love of my husband, I agreed to take his) for us women. It doesn’t follow that women already gave up her individuality and life and become her husband’s extension by doing so.
Ned may or may not be hurting Ella intentionally. He may be blinded by his jealousy or narrow-mindedness but he must realize that Ella, since he started policing her, lost her self and identity. In turn, she lost her confidence and motivation to be happy. She has become a lonely and discontented woman whose slowly losing her will to live. Ned’s false show of “machismo” is now wrecking his marriage and family.
Marriage should be able to provide the couple opportunity to become better person together, not otherwise. Both husband and wife should benefit from the union, male dominance in relationships is a conventional perspective that is often lead to exploitation.
Broken relationships and marriages are always painful. Let us try to save ours by understanding that we all wanted to be our own person, even after going to into relationships. No men or women are superior than each other. The key is respect. We are all human beings created uniquely. Let us live and let live.
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minsan nakakatakot for us na mga single mag asawa dahil sa mga ganyang pangyayari, kasi diba sabi nila hindi mo makikilala ang isang tao until hindi kayo nagsasama sa isang bubong.
hi patchie!
this statement is true: “hindi mo makikilala ang isang tao until hindi kayo nagsasama sa isang bubong.”
even lifetime is not enough to get to know a person really, really well.
though it’s not guaranteed, if possible, try to “know” the person you’re seeing by probing personal info abt him… his family background, his mood swings, his opinions on marriage, kids and family members. although it’s not a fire way on avoiding marrying a violent man, it would help you evaluate if you’re boyfriend has the tendency to become another Ned.
this should not be happening anymore as we have laws that protect women and children from abusive husband…but if it still happening, sad to say, but i think it’s the womans fault…for there is no reason to justify a man to hurt his wife.
actually you are riht sometimes fault din ng babae yun dahil bakit siya puapayag na gawin sa kany.
yes..i mean..when a guy starts hurting you(physically) one should really ask for help na. because that would not stop and would never resort to anything good.
@akino…
@akino…
true… it is partly her fault that she is staying in the marriage even if the husband hurts her but in reality, a lot of these situations are still existing today. it’s easy to say that there are laws but there are greater issues in these kind of marriages and violence that meets the eye or that appear sensible to us.
believe me, that was my first reaction but after hearing their sentiments, you will have to open your mind and give them more options that just leaving the marriage. it may sound foolish but believe me, i’m quite a feminist but i understand totally their fears.
it’s not a perfect society. you just don’t get justice that easy, especially for ordinary folks. you have to live with them for you to understand the real “world” they’re in. it’s a lot complicated than just advicing them about the law. meets the eye or that appear sensible to us.
it’s not a perfect society. you just don’t get justice that easy, especially for ordinary folks. you have to live with them for you to understand the real “world” they’re in. it’s a lot complicated than just advicing them about the law. maybe i’d write another article about these issues so their fears would be clearer.
[…] take as an example the story of Ned, the husband who beat her wife when he’s mad or very drunk. Ned was reared by a father […]
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